Falling For Normal -- I Think I Created the Last

I seem to always think I'm immune to normal, everyday human emotions and needs... Including, hunger, having to pee, or doing anything mundane. I somehow believe that I can go without each and all of these things, or wait to the last minute, or deprive myself of them, or ignore them, or completely reject their necessity.

Instead, I am a totally unapproachable, uninhabitable island. At least on the inside.

On the outside? All agreeable and giving, easy-going, warm, and welcoming. Ridiculous, and usually I'm fooling the crowd.

But lately I've been a little over-exposed, found out, seen through. Not totally, of course, that's probably not possible, but enough that I feel human and good about it. Surprisingly good. And it's clearing the cobwebs from this life in my head and making me see more layers and depth that I had been ignoring.

I really did create the last stretch of my life -- that's not assigning meaning after conclusions, it's fact. But the strange reality is that that most likely means that I'm creating this stretch as well; and I honestly feel far from in control at the moment.

Just When I Thought it Would Stop...

One month post canceled wedding and my life is light years away from what I ever imagined it would be. In a good way. I've been happy. Really. Especially the last couple of days.

But, everything must come to an end eventually, I guess. I accidentally opened a bag containing items from a trip I took in October 2006 -- for my wedding shower. Lo and behold inside I find: 20 amazingly beautiful and heartfelt cards of congratulations and best wishes for a lifetime of love.

There are no words to describe the weight that just descended on me.

Oh, Look, A Castle! ...

So a now long-told joke about me.... that I'm like a goldfish in a bowl (short attention span/memory, high enthusiasm)... I swim around the circle and see the little pink castle "Oh, look, a Castle!" -- so excited -- swim past and continue around the circle, swimming, swimming, la, la, la, and then come upon something shimmering and pink, what is it? "Oh, look a Castle!"

No Joke.

I am that easily amused, easily surprised, easily taken off guard by the same things that moments before I thought I had seen/known/heard for the first time... I'd like to think this flaw isn't lack of intelligence, per se, but rather the speed at which I go through my day and my total inability to stay still. I flit from one thing to the next -- intense and obsessive while I'm on something and then forgotten immediately when I'm on to the next. But, that being said, I'm no more or less pleased or interested in a previous item when I encounter it again later on. My attention span and memory just can't keep everything in line and order because I'm just not that tuned in anymore.

So dulled senses, dulled memory, dulled experience -- what's the root? Fear, suspension of belief (as opposed to the necessary suspension of disbelief), doubt, cynicism, my odd understanding/relationship with time, self-defense, and above all else, work.

If this blog is a truth serum, let me just say that this weekend I finally realized that I have actually crossed over into the realm of workaholism for real. I mean, I am actively using work as a means to avoid and escape myself, my life, my feelings, and everything around me. I'm actively neglecting other things in place of work and I'm obsessively unable to stop myself when I'm doing it, including choosing work over social interaction and/or family. Scary. A million miles away from what used to be me.

This is why I have not allowed myself to work more than 1 1/2 hours so far this whole weekend...because I know that it is a problem and that I have to take it seriously.

Time, however, is an even more interesting component of the "castle" phenomena of my thought process... I don't know if my understanding and relationship with time is really that much different than other people's, all I know is that it confuses and astounds me... I find it extremely difficult to distinguish months, years, weeks -- they all blend in strange inconsistent patterns. And ever since the beta left, time has been frozen for me. I'm not up on the date, I'm not sure of where I am in the year, and I continue to feel like it's November even though it's May. This eerie suspension of existence translates to everything in my house. There are chores, piles of paper, odd remembrances of October 2006 that haven't moved forward since his departure. Yet there are also a million outgrowths of completely new (and not here before) items that are comingling and growing up around all the stuff transfixed in time... It's an odd environment that I really need to do more to get a handle on.

That issue of control, however, is the kicker.... Now that I know I really don't have any, I vacillate back and forth between wanting to regain it and wanting to ignore any desire to ever have it again. I can't find a balance and instead I am oblivious to the world around me, swimming along dealing with things as they arise, but never focusing my attention, energy, or thoughts on any one thing long enough to not be surprised that there's a pink castle up ahead...

Layers of Abandonement

I seem stuck on trying to decipher and resolve all the ways human beings betray and degrade each other. All the ways we disrespect and dishonor others.

I've been spying on the beta, again. He is MIA in his social media world, to some degree at least, and I am faced with thinking.... how did it happen to me? How was I fooled by someone so plainly unworthy?

I still don't have an answer. And I can't unravel the whys?, the hows?, the wtfs? of all the shit we do.

Now... When the Words Won't Come Fast Enough

I think a lot of what I'm doing lately involves comparison.... now I am x, before I was y; at one point I thought this, now I think that. It's confusing how much time my mind is spending flipping back and forth between past and present trying to make sense of all the change. Trying to compare and contrast; seek patterns; recognize shapes; and ultimately draw conclusions that I can base future thoughts, speeches, and decisions on.

It's not working. I cannot formulate anything sensible from all this chaos.

Change is the one extreme constant in my life at the moment. Everything is in a total state of flux and each time I think things are about to settle down and take on their new shape, instead everything shifts, contorts, and dances off into the night without me. Usually though, in all times, bad and good, I have the words at my lips, fingertips, disposal to express 1) what's wrong; 2) what's right; 3) what needs to be done.... NOW, however, it's all just a jumble and I have barely any words at all.

When I do speak I hear everything through a funnel of self-doubt and immediately I sense that nothing is quite what I mean it to be or coming out round about how it ought to. I'm flopping around noisily with nothing worthwhile to say and I think people are starting to catch on.