Instead of Getting Married...

Well, as it turns out, getting married this month isn't happening. I know I've known this for nearly 6 months now, but I have officially made alternate plans for the weekend I was supposed to be getting married.

Making plans -- especially in the state my life is right now -- means I'm really not getting married. And, though I should have known this months ago, it also means he probably is never coming back.

So, instead of getting married, here's the plan:

1. Buy a bathing suit. Doesn't sound like much, I know. But for me, it's huge... I haven't owned one in about 5 years. The thought of them makes me want to crawl under a rock, but as you'll see with plan #2, a bathing suit is essential.
2. Spend the now-canceled wedding weekend in one of the most luxurious hotels in the entire country -- close to, but not on, South Beach. Enjoy 2 days in a private beach cabana and wash away all the pain (or at least dull it; or at the very least ignore it) with several Bellinis and some over-the-top spa treatments.
3. Don't call him, don't email him, don't wonder why I'm not the one. Just, whatever I do, don't think about it.
4. Maintain my composure. Make it through this month. It'll have to get better eventually.
5. Get dressed to the nines and act the part. No, I don't fit in on South Beach and I'll look like a moron compared to the Super Models -- especially when I wear the bathing suit -- but can't I at least fool myself into thinking that I can exist in their universe for 2 days of my life?

Here's what I won't be doing:

1. Getting married.
2. Feeling like my life is headed in the direction I want it to.
3. Understanding why the hell this happened to me.
4. Accepting that I am alone.
5. Looking good in a bathing suit.

April is turning out to be a long fucking month.