If I peel away all those last defenses, the truth is that as imperfect as my life was pre-beta-lessness, I was happy then and I liked the plans I had made. The circumstances weren't quite right, the participant(s) weren't ideal, but the overall plan was everything that I wanted from my life. And I'm still mourning the loss of not getting what I developed and worked so hard to achieve. I'm sad and dejected that I have to give up the comfort and security of partnership and legitimacy to be sitting here widdling away at the world by myself crafting a revised version of the future reality I had already taken as fact.
I can't stop feeling like, on some level, it's just totally unfair.
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